Everything Dies Anyhow

I still feel there is hope. My sandwich tells me this, my glass of chardonnay, 2:20 PM on a Friday afternoon in June. Babysitter day, house to myself, paranoid they could come home early, that my solitude will end. I get scared. Quick, need to finish sandwich so I can go work in my studio before anyone gets home. I turn on my computer. A news flash, a woman, maybe an actress, someone I’ve never heard of, “Dies at 63”. O.k. I think to myself. A lot of women die around this age. A lot of people. I accept this, I need to accept this, it needs to be O.K. The inevitable death of everything. I finally watched “Where to Invade next?” By Michael Moore. I think about the Italians, how vacation is important, taking time to oneself is valued. Not how much a person works. Or in France how lunch in grade school is a class. The kids learn about food and table manners! I think about my art making practice, my writing practice. Do I push myself too hard? I worked today while the babysitter was here. I worked hard and fast. I had fun. I want to paint more. I am inspired, I have ideas. I won’t have a babysitter until Thursday. In my selections for my Book, Naptime paintings, I didn’t choose any that talked about babysitters or nannies. I felt like they were boring. I didn’t like how they read, and I don’t know why. I am uncomfortable because it’s such a luxury. But a necessary one. It sounds like in other countries child care is not so expensive and women avail of it. I feel guilty for taking time, as if I need to justify it. What did I do today? So much. I work all day, childcare and art business stuff. Totally engrossed, that’s how I felt today in my studio, but I went in there too late. Now it’s 6:00 pm, Fiona’s watching Peppa Pig, Jacks still asleep, and Alan’s on his way home. It’s June, 9th, 2017.

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Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist