Full Disclosure

I did my radio interview this morning about my book, Nap Time Paintings. It will be available free on i-tunes! It was so fun. I was nervous I would forget what to say, or stumble, but every time I did that I gracefully caught my thoughts, shouted out what the most important thing was and then he called “16 mins, it’s a wrap!”. The interview was live, I wonder how many people heard it? I feel so happy and proud of myself. I opened a GOOD bottle of wine, finally one that’s aged but hasn’t gone bad! Hess Small Block Series Auction Lot 11, Mount Veeder/Napa Valley Vintage 2012. It is really good. I’ve bought myself some new clothes, I’ve been purging and getting rid of some of my raggedy clothes. I have increased my activity level because I realized I’ve gained 10 pounds and my body has changed drastically this year! I’m turning 47 and I definitely am going through perimenopause, maybe close to menopause, it’s difficult to know. But I haven’t had a period in months or ovarian cysts! Which is something to be happy about! I’m learning how to live with the hot flashes and laugh about it. I started taking new vitamins and black cohosh and it’s totally helped. I started taking my celexa at night and it’s awesome, I’m sleeping way better. I did this change after I had my nocturnal panic attack. I did my first run today and it felt phenomenal.  I am so excited to be adding running back into my workout regime, the runners high! Love it. I’ve been doing spin on my Peloton bike for almost two years, the doctor said that’s great for lean muscle and the heart, but a woman’s aging body needs weight baring exercise to stay healthy, running or vigorous walking and strength training. After just one week of these changes my body is feeling fantastic. It’s easier to run now too. Because of perimenopause, because my uterus always used to feel sore, heavy, and swollen. Now that things down there are shutting down it feels a lot more comfortable. I was reminded this morning of the time I was considering getting a voluntary hysterectomy! I remember asking the doctor about my fibroids, how big they would grow. I thought I would have a giant tumor before I hit menopause, but here we are!!! I made it without a giant fibroid and surgery. Isn’t that crazy, the things we worry about, then finding out we could have saved ourselves the heartache. That’s what I did yesterday, about the money I need to make to publish my second book. I said, “Stop, let’s not worry, there’s nothing you can do right now”. I said this to myself, and eventually I stopped. I know I can get the money. I have some stuff to take to the pawn shop, I have a bunch of change I’ll take to Safeway and drop it in that machine, I am close to selling at least one more painting, and then the last bit I can come clean with Alan and ask him to lend me the money without any judgement, because I know I’m crazy, I’m like a gambling addict or something. He’s gonna think I’m getting bamboozled.  I bought a second publishing package from the same company for my second book because they were having an amazing deal. But it’s still super expensive, an amount that before I would have thought was ridiculous. But now after publishing my first book and seeing the beauty of it, and how much I learned in the process and from the publishing company I worked with. My publishing consultant is amazing. I know she’s a salesperson and that’s how she makes her living, but the product and services I did get was well worth the money I spent. That’s the truth. I admit I do have a dream of my books selling and making back what I’ve put into the projects. I really feel I will, but it will take time. I need my husband to believe in me. And now with my show coming down and having to find storage for more paintings, although I think I should hang all these up because they are drop dead gorgeous, but it’s still the embarrassment of it all. I feel like a failure to him. I’m doing so good in my sign language class. I am going to get certified in SEE sign. I can get a job with that! That’s exciting, who would have thought? I would have never known the world of deaf and hard of hearing people, if I didn’t have Fiona. Isn’t that crazy? I know I’m doing the right thing

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist