Dark house. Stress. Neck tight. Shoulders tight. Insomnia. Another hour goes by. Ticking off the time that might be left to sleep. Worry. Question- how tired will I be tomorrow? Guilt. Have to cancel date night, dinner plans, babysitter. Guilt. What kind of mood will I be in tomorrow for my family?

I will need extra rest. It will be difficult. Tomorrow will be difficult. The rest of tonight will be difficult.

This kind of Insomnia is extreme. I haven’t had this kind of insomnia in years. Previously it was a regular occurrence. Before Jack and Fiona were born. Before I was introduced to Klonopin, Anti-Depressants, or Anti-Panic pills. Those did the trick, they quelled my restless nights.

It’s been six months that I’ve been completely off my anti-depressants. I haven’t had anything that would definitely put me to sleep around the house in months. I do pretty good.

I feel like my body is slipping back into its old ways. It’s natural ways.

At the end of taking my anti-depressants I was having hot flashes, my cycles had stopped, I felt like I was going through Menopause.

Since I stopped taking them, the hot flashes have completely stopped. My cycle is returning to normal. Instead of hot flashes I’m back to PMS and insomnia.

There is probably no correlation between the two. I am old enough to be going through perimenopause.

Thats what this is.

I think I need to take care of myself. Not worry about how the babysitter, my husband, and our neighbors who we were to meet for drinks and dinner will feel. I still feel bad. It’s 1:30 A.M. I definitely won’t get enough sleep.

Part of me wants to go to my studio, part of me wants to take a hot bath. I don’t want to lay down again until I can fall asleep.

The fridge hums. My body feels stiff and achy. I hope everybody forgives me and understands.

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Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist