Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

We will sit outside waiting for deer, crows, and the moon

October 21st, 2015
“Mama maaamaa” I hear Jacks sleepy little voice. He’s just waking up from his afternoon nap, I want to make sure he’s had time to adjust. I hear things being thrown out of his bed onto the floor. I better go see what he’s doing.

He’s ready, just a little crying as I change his diaper, but nothing that causes me stress. Fiona is next, I open the door and she’s clutching her teddy. I think she looks so sweet. She doesn’t whine much either, this is our second good day in a row. Today I’m the one who’s tired from wicked insomnia last night.

It didn’t stop me from going to my spin class, I can thank my triathalon training for that. I always got insomnia before a race or before a big early morning training session. I learned to run, bike, and swim on little sleep. The class this morning was hard, the teacher didn’t offer any breaks. We went up and up, hills and sprints.My adrenaline kicked in and I got a great workout. I impressed myself.

“Be thankful for your bodies and that you were able to do this work out this morning” the teacher said when we were done.

I knew last night after the first two hours I wasn’t going to sleep much. I lay thinking about painting and writing, about all the cute things the babies did today, but my thoughts were foggy and unclear. I tried not to worry about how I was going to get through today on no sleep. It wasn’t going to do any good to worry.

I decided not to go to Early Start today, my goal was to rest, take a nap or watch a movie while Jack and Fiona took their naps.First I wasted $6 and forty minutes on a bad movie. I finally gave in, this movie was not turning around. I had an hour left so I decided to just peep into my studio. First I went outside and was reminded of how long it’s been since I’ve just sat outside under the bay trees.

There’s been no extra time, at least that’s how it’s seemed.

When I walked into my studio I saw the paintings I had done yesterday and had to paint just a little, I was inspired. I ripped my paper and started with pencil, crayon, then watercolor and acrylic. Most were ripped up to be used as collage but at the end something happened. I was surprised, I thought I was way too tired to paint.

It’s 3:30 pm, I’m crashing now. I hear the babies playing together, the sound of wood rattling around, strange sounds and words coming out of the babies mouths. I feel if I were to peek around the corner to look at them I would be invading a private moment. They just ran into my line of sight, Jack has a see through plastic bucket on his head. Fiona is trying to catch him and take the bucket. She’s giggling, I’m smiling. Time to sit outside and wait for deer, crows, and the moon to appear. We will watch as the shadows move and it gets dark, then Jack will say, “mama” in a low worried voice. He’ll point inside the house letting me know he’s ready to go in.
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It’s not important, none of these things I’m worrying about are important

October 20th, 2015
As I was driving down the hill yesterday, to go meet up with a good friend I haven’t seen in a long time, my mind was still going, like it has been for the past several weeks,

“I need to, make an appointment with the vet, I need to make an appointment with the audiologist, I need to find things that are lost, I need too…………”

Then,

“It’s not important, none of these things I’m worrying about are important, I’m not perfect, I have a hard time keeping on top of everything, what if I just said it’ll get done, or it won’t and nothings really going to happen either way.”

I turned onto Irwin and drove to see my friend, I felt totally present in her company and had nothing to worry about. When I got home I spent an hour or so in my studio, made an appointment for Billie’s rabies shot, and decided to take a hot bath in my last hour before Lindsay was off. There was a brief moment I started in on myself again,

“You should work longer in the studio, you should clean your closet, you should ………”

I should do nothing. Sometimes.

I made a big mistake yesterday. When I went to pick up Fiona and Jack from Play Center at the gym the woman working there said,

“Fiona had a rough day, she kept saying Blue Blue, walking around, she sounded like a broken record.”

“Sorry, I forgot their Teddies.”

Earlier, as I pulled out of the driveway heading to the gym I noticed I had left Tiger and Blue Bear at home. I thought it would be fine since they never actually ask for their teddies at Play Center. Did Fiona know we left her Teddy at home?

Now its 6:47am, still dark, still quiet. Should I make a second cup of coffee? I slept good last night, I feel relaxed. I hear a baby coughing, they do that still in the morning, lingering from all the colds they’ve had in the past couple of weeks. In ten minutes I will be going in the nursery,

“Good morning Babies”

“Mamamama bottle, bottle”

“It’s OK, here’s your bottle”

Oh I just heard it now, “MaMa”

I never would have thought I’d be in this situation. Yesterday I was thinking about how many times I had to think about having babies, having a family, for almost ten years. What if it doesn’t happen? I can live without it. I always knew I’d be fine without kids. My husband disagreed, he thinks women who don’t have kids always regret it. I don’t think so. Kids are great, I love Jack and Fiona, but they all consuming. There’s no time off. If someone wasn’t calling “mama” right now, I would be down in my studio, then later go check out a show somewhere. I guess I could still do both those things! The only thing I know for sure, I would have a lot more energy! But that’s not a big deal.

It’s quiet again. The sunrise is beautiful this morning.
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From this day forward I will NOT use the word SHUT UP in front of the babies.

October 19th, 2015
“Fiona do you want more milk?”

“No no no”

“Fiona Let me see that toy”

“No no no”

It has begun. Fiona has found her no word. This is good, it’s a positive part of developement, it’s all about autonomy. It also means Fiona has been listening and understanding my constant “no, don’t do that” or

“Et et et et” the way to say no to dogs, I use that a lot. The thing I say that I’m not proud of, it’s not even my style or a word I ever used very much at all. I’ve gotten in a bad habit of saying ” would you JUST SHUT UP!” Or “PLEEEASE SHUT UP” or “SHUT UP You’re driving me CRAZY!” This is in response to the HORRIBLE whining Fiona is SO good at. It gets under my skin. I know it’s VERY wrong to say things like that to my children. I guess I assumed they didn’t understand me, it never stopped the whining or crying. But I think they will eventually understand And probably say it back to me, which would be really bad. Or possibly say it to another kid, that would be bad too. So from this day forward I will NOT tell my kids to shut up.

A thought just crossed my mind, it visits me often, “how did I even become a parent? Am I really a parent?” When Jack and Fiona were babies things didn’t seem set in stone it just seemed like there was a lot more work to do. Two more things to take care of. Now that they are turning into kids it feels real. It feels like I’m in a family. It’s overwhelming. There’s so much stuff in my house. I can never seem to keep the clutter in check. I can never clear my mind of the clutter.

I just heard Fiona’s crying coming from the nursery. It’s time to get to work. I hope my mind shifts from feeling the way it does now to a more relaxed way. More hopeful. We’re going to the gym this morning, exercise is good. If I get some time in my studio too maybe I’ll feel better.
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