Dirty Laundry Blog by Jennifer Hynes

The Bloodiest Day so far and System Overload

September 6th, 2015
I heard a thump as Jack slipped and hit his face on the log we were climbing on. He started to cry, I picked him up and bright red blood came down his chin, and from his mouth. This was the second time today that he busted his lip, but this time there was a cut under his bottom lip too that bled like nothing I’ve seen yet. I pressed on it with his new blue and white stripe bib, thinking what if he needs a stitch? Where’s the doctor live? How long will it take to walk back into town? How much will he bleed? I feel so bad, we were having so much fun in this little wonderland.


As I worked on stopping the bleeding Fiona watched me, It looked as if she knew I was taking good care of her brother.


Before we left home on Friday I was feeling very depressed and overwhelmed by the news about the refugees. The melting glaciers, all the displacement and extinction of animals it is causing, the displacement of whole communities in Northern California because of housing prices and developement, then in house issues concerning Fiona’s hearing loss and the pressure to make sure I’m doing all I can for her. One day I was sitting in Lotus and I over heard a conversation between two women, one who became my therapist. One of the women was talking about a friend of hers who had this psychological disorder where things in the news would make him really depressed. I was surprised this was a “condition” and that I have it. The first therapist I had was a buhddest, she gave me my first lessons in meditation, she told me she didn’t listen to the news anymore because it was too upsetting to her.


I did that for awhile. It’s easier. My mind gets cluttered fast. Where’s the balance between knowing what’s going on in the world and staying sane? Everything is so depressing out there, so many people suffering. The Earth dying. It’s hard. It’s hard not to feel guilty.


For all I have. For being so proud Alan and I were able to take Jack and Fiona to a nice restaurant for dinner. They sat and ate fine cheeses and Jam and smoked salmon pesto Ravioli while Alan and I enjoyed a bottle of wine. It’s just luck and chance really. But I feel guilty.


But I have these two little ones to look after. I don’t think it does any good for me to feel the ways I do, and I can’t do anything about any of these awful things happening in the world anyhow.
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As a Baby, always a baby

September 2nd, 2015
Emotions. Struggle and pain. The baby lives in all of us. How can I navigate the world of disipline with Jack and Fiona when I’m still part baby? I do not like to be reprimanded, I struggle with rules and authority. That’s all I’m going to say about that right now, I’m in my studio and I want to talk about my process I’ve employed for this current body of work.


My old recycled works on paper have invigorated me and connected me more physically to my work. I sat on the floor yesterday while the babies took a short one hour nap and started tearing my old work up. At first I thought of stacking, then I decided to soak all the pieces, they broke down, revealing hidden marks and stains. As I search through the pile picking pieces I feel like I’m on a treasure hunt.


Then I let the scraps guide me as I glue them onto the paper, add paint, and line. I’m struggling between wanting to leave things very simple and feeling like I need to add more detail.


I’m loving my notebook project. There I feel I can be super experimental, I don’t have any of the hang up’s about working on a piece. Maybe because it’s a collection of ideas.


I often start to panic when I think about how much work I’ve made and continue to make. It’s kind of overwhelming, and that’s another brillant thing about the notebooks. But where will I put all this stuff?

Anxiety.
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Baby doctor day and time for studio

September 1st, 2015
Everything is temporary. This morning as Fiona said poopoo for diaper it was cute, but I know that soon she will be using the correct words for almost everything, and that I will have forgotten the moments when I’m trying to decipher if Fiona really did go poo poo or just pee. Or if she’s simply telling me what she is looking at.

Today was their eighteen month check up. They got a clean bill of health and took their shots like real troopers. I couldn’t have been prouder.

I had time this afternoon to do some experimentation. I am recycling my old works on paper and re-using them. It’s exciting and I feel like new ideas are emerging through the process. The work makes me think of maps or documents of the past. The disappearing of the old and reappearing of something new. I’ve internalized the discussion of the melting glaciers and the shrinking coastlines. Maybe it’s starting to come out in my work. But not conciously, i’m still working from intuition and spontanaity and if I was to say I was working on landscapes I would be talking about internal landscapes. But just like the disappearing shorelines I am disappearing too. Someday I will no longer be here. Nothing is permanent.
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