I walk into my studio. I feel I can only accomplish a small amount of work, not much time left before my babysitter is off. I look at my notebooks, I have been working on eight consistently; my goal, to have three done for my show next year. The last day I worked in my studio I used collage, experimenting with tape, old recycled prints, a light sage green, blue and grey. I decided to work slower this year, not frantic, just tick-tock. I work on a few canvases today, compositions giving me trouble, set them aside. It feels good to let go, to let them breath, have a life of their own.  I think I need more time, at least three hours to really get into things.  But, I need to use what I have, the time, the materials, the frame of mind. It’s all here, everything I need. The notebooks are true expressions of my creativity. They are my lifeline.

January, raining for days, creeks rushing by, plants and grass growing. All the wildflowers I’ve planted for the past eight years are finally going to flower this year. There are so many, they’ve remained dormant during the drought. But they survive and thrive. Many transitions ahead, Jack and Fiona turning three, entering preschool soon. When people say, childhood goes by fast they aren’t kidding. I look at a painting on my wall in my studio, a hand and foot print from Jack and Fiona when they were maybe eight months old. As I look at the paintings, it doesn’t feel that long ago. I feel like we just did that, but we didn’t. Such precious little feet and hands, so soft. They are still precious, but now I feel I must be careful to not intrude into their personal space, not “baby” them. Toddlers hate to be “babied”! I can give them an occasional rub on the head or examination of their little hands. But no long stares in wonderment. That bugs them now. Hugs and kisses are always available through! That’s true throughout the lifetime of a family unit. “Loving is what makes us real” (The Velveteen Rabbit)

There’s always love and compassion, and patience. No one can take that away. Even in the face of so much hate and scary stuff happening in the world, happening in our government, I will still focus on the positive, focus on understanding of self. It’s the only way.

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About Dirty Laundry Blog

Thoughts on Motherhood Through the Eyes of an Artist