I tell my daughter I’m crazy

I was so glad when I looked at the clock and it was 5:18 am, I thought for sure it was going to say 3am or 4am. I got 6 hours of sleep, not ideal but not horrible. I’ve been in a state of mania; my studio is covered from wall to wall with work in progress, I can’t stop painting. I have moments of panic about how much money I’ve spent on publishing my book, Nap Time Paintings; Motherhood through the Eyes of an Artist. My savings is gone and I still need to frame works for my show. But the biggest driver in my mania is to make. I have this idea in my mind of what I want my paintings to be, particularly my grouping. I keep going too far on 90% of them. I pass through the sweet spots. I should leave them I say to myself. But then I push the envelope one more time. Adding detail, taking away detail, adding more color, lessening color. Obsession.

My coffee is too weak, I wish it were stronger. I don’t have any more beans ground, everyone is sleeping in my house. I don’t want to wake them. They all need the rest. Yesterday I took Jack and Fiona to Oakland, we met up with their uncle Danny. We went to coffee, scootered around Lake Merritt to Fairy Land (a theme park where everything is based off fairytales and perfectly sized for three-and-a-half-year old’s.)  Then we went to visit the Fourth Wall Gallery. The babies were so tired, I brought them into the Gallery complex barefoot. The floor was filthy, their feet dark hands getting there as they pulled each other on their backs down the long hallway. “Handprints” echoed from inside another gallery. It wasn’t long before we got kicked out. A note on my dash, “Ticket or Tow?”. I parked in front of a garage of a business that wasn’t open. Busted all the way around. Jack and Fiona fell asleep the moment I dropped off Danny and got on the freeway.

I gave Jack and Fiona baths and we hung out in their room for a while. Jack went upstairs to raid the cereal boxes and play. Fiona and I played with stuffies, then colored. Then I said, “I’ll be right back”. I went to my studio to check my paintings from the night before. I had to do one thing, then another. Fiona comes in and wants to paint. Jack comes down and wants to ride his scooter, I open the garage and move my car down the driveway so there’s more room to ride. I paint, Fiona starts painting, then goes and scooters with Jack. I paint. I can hear them playing and check on them every few minutes.  Fiona’s back in painting with me, Jack spends time alone in the garage practicing his bunny hops on his scooter before going back upstairs. I start going crazy painting, experimenting, getting ideas. Fiona works too. I’m a mess, my studio is a mess. There’s so much work in progress I can’t even walk. Fiona’s area is just as bad. I’ve corrupted her. She works on several pieces at a time and is just as messy with her paint as I am. I tell her I’m crazy several times during our painting sessions.

As Nap Time paintings have ended, since there’s no naptimes, a new time slot has opened, having the babies near my studio riding scooters in the driveway or in my studio creating. It’s more hectic than my Nap Time slot, but it’s still time to create. I think I will go to my studio now, until Jack and Fiona wake up.

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