Lost words,

When the sounds that roll out of a mouth disappear into the ether,

Vocabulary disappears,

I have no idea what you are saying to me,

This is what I think in my mind.

I stand there. I wait for something to change. For the words to be understood,

For the speaker to give Fiona a clue- as Fiona stands stares at the speaker , sucks her thumb, clasps “Tiny”.

I wait to see if Fiona runs up to her friends. They aren’t her best friends, but she’s know them for years.

I wait to see if the teacher, who’s speaking,

” what’s that on your face, did you paint your face? Well? What is on your face?”

Jack finally giggles and says yes. He goes to his friends to play.

Jack has more of a bond, he is with these kids five days a week. He knows them and knows who he likes to play with.

Fiona follows me out the door. Friends say hello to Fiona when Fiona walks in the classroom, but the hellos get lost in the walls.

She gives me a kiss. I feel bad. I ask

“Did you understand what teacher was asking you?”

No says Fiona.

Immediately teacher comes out.

“Whats wrong?” She asks.

“Nothing” I say.

Fiona and I look at each other.

I wish I could just send her back to her regular class five days a week. I wish Fiona could stay in her current program.

There’s too many people to control, teach, make understand:

SHE CAN ONLY HEAR/UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING IF YOU DO X,Y, &Z!

It’s like they are oblivious to what it’s like when a person is HOH.

All of the teachers and staff have been trained and I’m paying tuition.

Fiona only holds “tiny” (her most favorite stuffy) now when she’s going to sleep. Now she takes it with her to Jacks school too, she hasn’t taken Tiny to school in years.

I wasn’t going to write anymore about it. About my fears and anxieties and my everyday observations concerning Fiona being mainstreamed with only an oralist approach. It’s not working at the mainstream preschool she is at now. Maybe Elementary will be better. I love the school they will be going to, the principal and teachers are really great. Maybe that will help. Maybe they will get it?

I worked in my studio today. I picked up my spanish textbook, I finished the laundry. I went grocery shopping and am prepared to make hamburgers for Jack, Fiona, and Alan. I will eat my lentils and rice.

I am ready to start writing and painting more, and may need to come up with a schedule for Myself.

To let go of some things. I purged several bags of garbage too. I’m getting there.

At the same time I feel overwhelmed, crazy, in over my head, I feel like I’m always moving forward.