Just a minute ago, I hear a cry, “mama mama” coming through on the monitor. “Oh shit” I think to myself. Today out of All days I NEED my full two hours. Since this morning I have felt like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I’m trying to channel my emotions into my work and keeping it together upstairs, but today I felt that cold November sadness blowing in. I’m too sensitive, I’ve been like this since I was a kid and it takes its toll. I was talking to someone today, I wanted to find solace in another, “aren’t you feeling sad about the world?” She said “yes, but I just don’t pay attention sometimes, it’s too much” I said “I try to do the same thing” But I can’t. I don’t know why. I can’t just go around acting happy. I am Happy but I also feel sad and like I’m in a fight. I thought of a good way to explain what kind of fight earlier, but now it’s slipped my mind. I just have to bear it and do the best I can. And keep moving forward, not lose the fight, now I remember, the fight to keep working, the fight to be the person I truly am, and the fight for a more humane and kind world that supports the arts and not war. I’m being really corny lately, I know. But I’m having really strong emotions and I know I’m not the only one.
I had some time in the studio today. I worked on my recycled journal project. I’ve made REAL headway on this project. My pieces of journal are finally getting some life. Things are happening on my studio floor, marks being made, ideas revealing themselves, it’s a mess but it’s effective. Jack did go back to sleep. But now it’s getting close to the two hour mark, time to go upstairs, get some food made, get the babies up, read, do puzzles. I need to still take Billy for a walk but I might flake. I’ll feel guilty, but I’m so tired! Maybe I’ll take the babies in the stroller. We’ll see.